Sisters

I'm the oldest of four girls, now women. As the oldest, I have managed to mother and smother all of my sisters at one point or another. I've loaned quite a few dollars that never seemed to make their way back to me.

My sisters and I are as different as night and day, which is probably one reason I tend to feel like the resident outsider. I've been referred to as the resident "dream crusher" when I've tried to help one of them reach a goal by taking a more efficient path. (Don't confuse this with trying to run their lives - ha. ha.)

I'm used to being on the outside in my family. The real break happened when I was in college. I did put some distance between my family and myself. I was selfish and only wanted to focus on me. Then I became a more relevant Christian, and I felt the divide grow even wider.

I have always hated being the one on the outside in my family. My mom reads this blog, and she might even be mad at me at the end. But, she was a mom who worked really hard while I was growing up. I was a good helper for her in many ways, and to some, especially my sisters, it would seem that I might be the favorite. And, now I'm the mother of her only two grandsons, whom she completely adores. She will gain a granddaughter sometime next year when my sister gets married, but I've generally had a good relationship with my mom.

I was not a great big sister, however. I was mean to my sisters on a regular, if not daily, basis. They were a burden to me. I had to watch them a lot, and instead of using that time for fun and bonding, I was cold and distant.

As a Christian, I believe we are forgiven, but we must always deal with the consequences of our actions. My consequence is two sisters who seem so far away, physically and figuratively, seem to have little interest in having a real relationship with me.

Sure, we play nice, talk on the phone every now and again and e-mail, but I want more. They both live in Michigan, and I am such a homebody in general. I want to understand them more, but I always tend to view things wrong when it comes to family.

I'm rather passionate about my faith, and this has caused me numerous set-backs in our relationships. Mostly it's my own fault because I seem to lack any sense of tact when it comes to my family.

I'm not sure I really even know anything about middle child number three. She makes it clear that family are really not welcome in her life details.

I was 13 when my youngest sister was born, and I do feel there is more hope overall in this relationshp because it's really just forming as she heads into adulthood. She'll be 21 in July.

I really want the four of us to take a fun, "girls only" trip to Vegas to celebrate the baby's birthday. Maybe this is just the chance to make true amends and develop a friendship for life.

Don't get me wrong. I love my sisters very much, but I want to know they really love me back. Is that so wrong?